Owner's Manual

Like most women, I over analyze every situation, down to every possible minute detail, potential outcome, and then replay over and over in my mind, until quite frankly I drive even myself crazy (I've usually lost my husband hours prior).  So here I am....hours later, tired of replaying everything in my mind.

I have found my brief moment of stillness, listening to the thunder, sipping on a glass of pinot noir, curled up in my sweatpants, and blogging. And only in these moments do I find peace, calmness, and the ability to stop.....gears are slowing,turn by turn.....and I can literally feel my mind opening and the stress leaving, at least for now.  As I hear the thunder crackling and booming I slowly repeat over and over....Be still and know that I am.....Be still and know....Be still....Be.   Ok Lord, you have my attention, I am captivated by the power and voice behind your thunder.  I'm ready....so where do I go from here?  

I wish I could start this next paragraph and tell you that God spoke to me and I know exactly what to do.  I feel HIS presence and I am comforted.  But I don't know what decisions I will make tonight, tomorrow, next year.  And yet I still find comfort.  God is amazing in that way.....I'm not going to give you the obvious answer, I gave you me, my son, my spirit, and formed you in my image.....those are your tools....so go and find the way. 

Isn't that what life is about?  The journey, not the destination.  I told my husband that after having my son Mason, I realized I felt complete and whole, like this was my purpose in life, to be Mason's mom.  And yet before I had Mason I didn't have any longing or desire to be a mom right now, I didn't feel incomplete.

And even though I am 100% confident this is exactly who I am and what I should be doing right now, I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!  Every decision I make as a parent I doubt, I question, I wonder, and I think about every absolute possible outcome, and well you get the idea, I over analyze.  

So what is my struggle today?  (yes, all of my 2 readers are in complete suspense, lol).  Here it is plain and simple, "Am I making the right choice my being in my current career and job?  Is this best
for my family?".  I could show my pros and cons list with both sides, yes I really do have a list, but for tonight, I am focusing on not over analyzing and just being.  

Truth be told, I dont know, and I won't know for quite some time.  Time will tell.  I have to work right now to pay the bills, and right now I have a job to go to tomorrow.  So that is what I will do.  I will be the best employee and best mom I can be.  No worries about the future, no comparing to other moms or employees.  We each have our own journey, our own little nudges and decisions that ultimately lead us to where we are supposed to be 10..20..30 years from now.  

There is no owners manual to parenting.  

I came across this quote from Buddha, and as usual, I find a lot of wisdom in his words. 

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, 
to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
Buddha

So tonight I meditate on the words, "Be still and know that I am".  Do not let your mind race with useless worry, trust and know God is the great I am and we are where we should be today and He will lead us to the right place in His own way and time.