What do you hope 2013 will bring for you?

"In quiet moments when you think about it, you recognize what is critically important in life and what isn't. Be wise and don't let good things crowd out those that are essential."
-Richard G. Scott







With the last day of the year here, we are all thinking about what our answer will be tonight when we get the notorious question, "what is your New Year's resolution?"........

BALANCE

I can tell you the answer right away, but I find it much harder to actually live out every year.  Ask my husband, I'm an extremist.  All or nothing.  I used to view it as a weakness or character flaw to do something "half way".  I suppose deep down I still feel that way which is why I struggle with balance in my life.

As I reflect on 2012, this is what I struggled with the most.  I struggled emotionally and physically being a full-time working mom.  Part of the biggest reason I had a hard time juggling is that I couldn't let go of anything.  I still wanted a clean house, misc house projects to get done, social nights with friends, family time, weekends in the mountains, vacations, swimming with Mason....and the list goes on and on.  As you can imagine, I ran out of time this summer.  I felt bitter and cheated.  I love Colorado summers, and I didn't make it to the mountains once.  I love working on things around my house, but I ended up just helping Chris with his projects and not having the time do what I wanted to work on.  But most of all, I felt like Mason was cheated.  There many days this past year that I sent him to daycare knowing that I should be home to cuddle my sick child all day.  I did the laundry and cleaned the kitchen when I got home from work instead of just sitting on the floor and playing the whole night. 

In looking back, I think I managed pretty well considering we went through a lot, at work and at home, this past year.  But by reading my posts, I can tell it was heavy on my heart all year long.  Which is why I know with 100% confidence that I made the right choice by taking this part time job.  I will start in the middle of January, and I believe it is one huge step towards finding that balance and peace in my life.  I am beyond excited for the extra time I will have at home with Mason!!  

So my resolution is not just to find balance in all aspects of my life, but to find contentment and fullfillment in the "half way" attitude.  Here's to a year of working hard but not too hard, to getting healthy but still enjoying cake every now and then, to paying off debt but still taking that vacation, and to lots of adventures with Mason but still squeezing in the chores! 

And here's everyone enjoying a drink or two tonight.....but not too many ;) 

 

Owner's Manual

Like most women, I over analyze every situation, down to every possible minute detail, potential outcome, and then replay over and over in my mind, until quite frankly I drive even myself crazy (I've usually lost my husband hours prior).  So here I am....hours later, tired of replaying everything in my mind.

I have found my brief moment of stillness, listening to the thunder, sipping on a glass of pinot noir, curled up in my sweatpants, and blogging. And only in these moments do I find peace, calmness, and the ability to stop.....gears are slowing,turn by turn.....and I can literally feel my mind opening and the stress leaving, at least for now.  As I hear the thunder crackling and booming I slowly repeat over and over....Be still and know that I am.....Be still and know....Be still....Be.   Ok Lord, you have my attention, I am captivated by the power and voice behind your thunder.  I'm ready....so where do I go from here?  

I wish I could start this next paragraph and tell you that God spoke to me and I know exactly what to do.  I feel HIS presence and I am comforted.  But I don't know what decisions I will make tonight, tomorrow, next year.  And yet I still find comfort.  God is amazing in that way.....I'm not going to give you the obvious answer, I gave you me, my son, my spirit, and formed you in my image.....those are your tools....so go and find the way. 

Isn't that what life is about?  The journey, not the destination.  I told my husband that after having my son Mason, I realized I felt complete and whole, like this was my purpose in life, to be Mason's mom.  And yet before I had Mason I didn't have any longing or desire to be a mom right now, I didn't feel incomplete.

And even though I am 100% confident this is exactly who I am and what I should be doing right now, I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!  Every decision I make as a parent I doubt, I question, I wonder, and I think about every absolute possible outcome, and well you get the idea, I over analyze.  

So what is my struggle today?  (yes, all of my 2 readers are in complete suspense, lol).  Here it is plain and simple, "Am I making the right choice my being in my current career and job?  Is this best
for my family?".  I could show my pros and cons list with both sides, yes I really do have a list, but for tonight, I am focusing on not over analyzing and just being.  

Truth be told, I dont know, and I won't know for quite some time.  Time will tell.  I have to work right now to pay the bills, and right now I have a job to go to tomorrow.  So that is what I will do.  I will be the best employee and best mom I can be.  No worries about the future, no comparing to other moms or employees.  We each have our own journey, our own little nudges and decisions that ultimately lead us to where we are supposed to be 10..20..30 years from now.  

There is no owners manual to parenting.  

I came across this quote from Buddha, and as usual, I find a lot of wisdom in his words. 

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, 
to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
Buddha

So tonight I meditate on the words, "Be still and know that I am".  Do not let your mind race with useless worry, trust and know God is the great I am and we are where we should be today and He will lead us to the right place in His own way and time.  

You Know Me

I thought I would find time to sit down monthly and write, and yet here it is August and I haven't signed in since March. Oh how naive I was prior to becoming a parent :) Life literally flies by! If the calendar wasn't a constant reminder, my ever changing son certainly is.

In looking back over these last months and thinking, what have I been doing??, everything is pretty much a blur, except for the moments that make you stop and smile. I am still trying to get the hang of this whole full time working mom thing. (Let's be honest, I'm still trying to get the hang of just being a mom!). How did moms do this before smart phones?? If I couldn't look at my google calendar constantly all day, I'm not sure I could tell you where I was supposed to be in the next 5 minutes. Perhaps I have become way to dependent on technology....but that is a topic for another day.

Chris was gone for a week at the beginning of July. It was first trial run by myself, and I must say, all things considered, I did pretty well!
I was up at 4:30 or 5 every morning with Mason, 
work all day, 
pick Mason up, 
feed him dinner, 
clean the kitchen,
give him a bath, 
pack him for the next day, 
rock him to sleep, 
then get myself ready for the next day, 
and finally to bed. 
Repeat x 7. 
It honestly wasn't bad though, Mason is such an easy baby, it's very enjoyable to just hang out with him in the evenings. One night I crawled into bed, and I texted Chris to see what he was up to. He said they were at a club and he was enjoying a drink on the patio. That part of the text is not interesting, the reason I remember this is because he had said, "I tried dancing for a bit, but you know me".

And he was right, I do know him, and I could totally picture how uncomfortable he was dancing at a club. I remember smiling to myself thinking about my husband and falling asleep very content. That's why we do it, the constant juggle, for the deep connections we find with people.

I have a very full schedule, but there is nothing I would cut out, well besides work if it was an option! I have noticed everything sacrifices a little. I don't get to put in the long hours at work and be the team player all the time. I don't get to see my friends NEARLY enough! I'm not ever prepared for family birthdays or events, I often have to send a gift late, or not at all (sorry!). I am terrible about sending thank you cards. Mason often has a face full of dog hair because I haven't vacuumed in awhile. But I always try to find a way to see the people I am close to. Because I know that if I choose to stay home one night, even if I am exhausted, I will regret not taking the time to say hello to the people who matter the most.

I love the, "you know me" stories. The stories you connect with because you do know that person, and even though you can't always be there to experience everything important with them, you can imagine everything that happened and still feel like you were a part of it. You imagine the look they had on their face when they were disgusted with someone but couldn't say it out loud, how uncomfortable when they were with that really awkward question, or how they pretended to enjoy dancing even though they hated every second :)

So here's my official apology to my friends that I don't get to see often...because you know me, even though I can't come around often, I always want to know what's going on. I'm looking forward to the next time I can relive those stories with you! (and create some new ones!!)

A day in the park...

Mason is 4 months old...wow, time has flown! It's a crazy, exciting, whirlwind experience entering the world of parenthood. I feel like I am still trying to get my feet on the ground even though it has been a full out sprint since he's been born!

I've been back at work for 5 weeks, and things have been going really well. Mason is happy as can be with all his babysitters (thank goodness for Grandmas!!), and Chris and I have been doing a good job of sharing the chores, so everything is getting done. But I never give myself a break. Every night after work I HAVE to get something done, like cleaning the kitchen or a quick load of laundry, or else I just have this terrible nagging feeling all day like there is a ton of stuff to do. We had a lot going on this past month, between birthdays and my brother's wedding. So in the back of my mind, I kept telling myself, ok just work hard this month and then things will slow down a bit.

But lets face the facts...this is my life now. Go! go! go! and don't stop because you'll crash. Life is not slowing down anytime soon. I'm looking forward to the day when Mason starts crawling, but I realize that means there will be even less opportunities to just wash the dishes real fast :) There will always be birthdays, weddings, and other life events. Throw in a couple more kids with school and sports schedules, and I'm pretty sure I'll just have an IV of espresso shots hooked up to me at all times.

Before I came back to work my husband read an article about full time working moms. And basically the article said that full time working moms need to accept that they simply can't do everything. I may not be able to cook dinner every night and I certainly won't have the cleanest house. So it dawned on me that I have been trying to just make Mason an addition to my already existing lifestyle and that is not going to work long term.

Last weekend was my brother's wedding, so Christina and Stefan were here to be their photographers. Christina graciously offered to take family pictures while she was here, so Chris and I decided to take Friday off from work. We spent the morning hanging out in the park, enjoying the sunshine, while Christina captured these special moments with Mason. I had such a wonderful relaxing time, playing with my family. We went straight downtown after pictures and then to my brother's rehearsal dinner. It was one of those rare days where I did not care about chores that needed to be done or worried about the tasks on my checklists. And what a treat it was!!

So as I tackle this new life adventure, I am reminded of what matters the most. TIME! Mason is growing so fast and he is only going to be 4 months old once. I need to stop and soak up the moments more often. Who cares if the dishes sit in the sink for 2 more days?! Do I want Mason to remember how clean our house was while he was growing up...or do I want him to remember all the days we played in the park?

Thanks Christina and Stefan for these wonderful pictures, I cannot wait to see the rest!!

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day has come again and it is truly one of those "holidays" I wish would just pass right on by. I find myself saddened by the rows and rows of candy, stuffed animals, balloons, fake flowers, etc in every store you walk into. Do people really think that is how you show someone you love them?

The concept of Valentine's Day does not bother me. A day to cherish the people you love is actually a great idea. But love shouldn't be measured by romantic gestures or gifts. Love is not just a "feeling" you get. The phrase "practice makes perfect" best describes love in my opinion. Its a choice to love your spouse, not something that you just can't help because you are so overwhelmed by butterflies. I'm not saying you can't have butterflies just because you are married, I think its great when a married couple is still infatuated with each other, but lets call it what it really is. Love is different though, choosing to love someone means that you will love them the way they need to be loved. You will get out of bed at 3:30 in the morning to feed your baby, not because you feel like it, but because you chose to love your child and meet their needs. The same idea should be used for your spouse.

My husband kisses me goodbye every morning before work, even on the mornings that I have snored all night and kept him awake, or I have makeup smeared all over my face. I can assure you it is not because he is so overwhelmed by the butterflies in his stomach, but he knows its important to me. He brushes my hair after I've had a stressful day, put lotion on my feet every night when I was pregnant and couldn't reach my feet anymore, watches Glee with me on Tuesday nights...and I should stop there because I have already given away too many of his secrets, haha. But the point is that he doesn't feel like doing those things on a regular basis, but chooses to do them anyway. And after time, it becomes easy and natural to love someone, to do the things that you used to not feel like doing.

Our marriages should be modeled after Christ's relationship with the church according to scripture. There were days that Christ was angry with the pharisees, frustrated with his disciples lack of understanding, hurt by the betrayal of friends, and yet despite the fact that he didn't "feel" warm and fuzzy with His church, chose and still chooses to love them.

So today, I will go home and choose to love my husband this day like every day. And know that even though I didn't get a new diamond necklace or a ridiculously expensive boquet of roses, that my husband loves me, truly loves me. I hope everyone finds someone to truly love tonight, no matter who that person is, choose to love them the way they NEED to be loved, rather than the way the world thinks you should love them.

Sweet Moments

Have you ever thought to yourself, "How do moms do it? That just sounds awful".

I woke up to the sound of Mason crying, glanced at the clock because I had absolutely no idea how long I had been asleep. Its 3:30AM and I just put him down an hour ago, and I think to myself, "what is it now?" I slowly get up, put my slippers on, and rub my eyes as I walk into his room. I pick him up and realize he has spit up all over himself and his bedding. I get him naked, wash him off, put fresh pajamas on, change the blankets, and sit down to rock him back to sleep. Then I realize his nose is so stuffed he can barely breath, so I take a deep breath and go get the suction bulb. Anyone who has ever tried to suction a baby's nose realizes this is no fun task, especially at 3:30 in the morning. Despite the screaming and flailing of his arms, I get his nose cleared out. He takes one deep breath, and instantly falls asleep in my arms. I sit down in the glider thinking to myself, "I'll just rock him for 5 minutes to make sure he is sound asleep".

As I am sitting there, I can hear my husband and dogs sound asleep in the rooms next to me, and not another sound in the world except the slow deep breathing of Mason in my arms. I look at Mason and he is grinning from ear to ear while he is sleeping, and my heart is filled with complete joy. That is why millions of moms get out of bed at all hours of the night...not out of duty or obligation, but love. In that moment, as you see that sweet smile, you know he is completely content and you realize that you will always do whatever it takes to make your child's world perfect again.

Even though I look forward to the day that Mason starts sleeping through the night and I wake up feeling refreshed rather than exhausted, I will miss those sweet moments that can only happen in the quiet hours of the morning.

This tired mom is headed back to bed with a smile on her face.....

New Years Resolution

From Wikipedia:

In ancient Roman religion and mythology, Janus is the god of beginnings and transitions,^[1] thence also of gates, doors, doorways, endings and time. He is usually a two-faced god since he looks to the future and the past.

As the new year approached, I found myself reflecting on my past and pondering my future more than ever. Its mostly because I feel like "adulthood" crept up on me over night. Several little things have been showing me that I am no longer that young hip adult discovering my independence (yes, I still claim that I was at one point hip!). For example when I had to ask my sister's 19 year old boyfriend what smh stood for, he thought it was hilarious that I had no clue. Or when I moved desks at work and I needed help troubleshooting my computer, I called tech support and he was younger than me, by several years. Then it hit me, I am going to be 27, one year away from my 10 year high school reunion.....where have the last 10 years gone?!

In your 20s you are supposed to "find" yourself, so does that imply that you lose something along the way? I have always been a daughter, a sister, a friend, etc. But in my 20s I have added a couple titles...employee, co-worker, wife, daughter-in-law, homeowner, and now MOM. Holy cow, those 3 little letters are what made me realize, I'm not a kid anymore, I have to the be mom now!! While I was pregnant I kept hearing, "Your life will never be the same", "Get as much sleep as you can now because you won't sleep at all", "Enjoy time by yourself because you won't get any", "Being a mom is the hardest thing you will ever do".....then you add on everyone's horror labor and delivery stories, and you can't help but being a little intimidated.

I have now been a mom for 6 weeks and I LOVE it! Yes, its true, my life has changed, I don't get a lot of sleep or alone time, and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But it has brought me more joy and love than I could have ever imagined. It's so incredible being a mom, that it's easy to want to spend every second of your day with that precious baby. However, the truth is, I'm not ready to say goodbye to every part of who I was before, to completely close the book and start writing a new story. Rather, I want this to be a new chapter in my already existing life. So many people think you have to give up everything to be the perfect parent, and I don't agree with that. I am still a daughter, a wife, a friend....mom is not the only title that defines me. And to be a good mom, it's important not to lose the other sides of yourself.

As I thought about my New Years Resolution, I decided that since every December I say to myself, "where did this year go?", it would be good to start blogging about my life so I can take the time to not only look forward to the next year, but to remember the last year. When I think about who I want to be and what kind of mom I want to be, I have to remember who I was and who I am today. Chris and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary on New Years Eve. My mom babysat Mason while we enjoyed a nice sushi dinner and then game night with good friends. And I was thankful that even though so much has changed in our lives over these past 2 years, sitting at dinner with my husband and hanging out with friends felt like nothing had changed at all.